Couples with relationship challenges and stresses fall in to two categories: Group A includes those with serious major dysfunctions that are difficult to correct and often seriously threaten the marriage. Group B includes those who are making very common relationship errors that can be corrected relatively easily by just learning new skills.
Group A marriage problems include what have been referred to as the “Big Five” They include infidelity, domestic violence, addiction, mental illness, or criminal behavior by a spouse. These problems can raise the question of whether such a marriage should continue. The simple solutions and rules for Group B will often fail to be effective, or may be impossible or unsafe to use when the Big Five are present. If both spouses want to save a marriage with these types of problems, typically some extended professional help will be required.
The group B relationship errors can also threaten the marriage, but a breakup due to these common mistakes is tragic. In a relationship where both spouses care about their partner and are essentially fair-minded, these mistakes can often be resolved quickly. These common errors include:
1. Escalating disagreements (getting louder, more forceful and more accusing in an attempt to get a point across or win an arguement)
2. Using punishment to try to change a partner’s behavior
3. Rigid thinking (“of course my way is the right way!”)
4. Criticism
5. Triangulating a third party
ESCALATING DISAGREEMENTS: Continuing a disagreement after it has escalated creates damage and has no benefits. When either partner has become angry or feels threatened or intimidated, the body’s arousal has changed, creating some level of flight, fight or freeze state. In any of these states, circulation to the brain is significantly reduced, particularly in the cerebral cortex. Reduced blood and reduced activity in the cerebral cortex means partners will be unlikely to really hear and understand each other, and will be unlikely to make fair-minded or thoughtful decisions. When the discussion becomes heated or emotional, good couples communication has come to an end.
Escalating in disagreements is often a result of failure by partners to develop skills in validation and reflective listening. When partners disagree, each often starts out with the belief that if the other partner really understood the position and the feelings tied to it, they would concede. Each partner gets louder and louder, restates over and over with more forcefulness in an attempt to feel understood.
What to do instead: If spouses will learn the skill of taking turns reflecting what is being said, neutrally and honestly, typically most of the energy in disagreements will subside, and spouses will be able to hear each other, compromise, or agree to disagree. If a conversation begins to heat up, spouses need to take a “time out” until they both are calm and can hear each other fairly.
PUNISHING a partner in an attempt to change their behavior is amazingly ineffective, and amazingly common. Punishment as a deterrent to bad behavior is marginally effective at best. Punishment as a motivation for good behavior is pathetic failure. In a marriage, punishment is an abandonment of the equality of the partnership, and an attempt by one spouse to become the “parent” of the other. This always harms the relationship, as equality and respect are essential to good couples communication
Common punishments include name calling, angry tone of voice, swearing, criticizing, embarrassing the spouse in front of others, withholding affection, barbed comments, “silent treatment”, or anything else intended to hurt the spouse’s feelings.
What to do instead: Spouses should handle each other’s problematic behaviors through negotiating, expressing feelings calmly and respectfully, explaining boundaries and taking essential actions. Spouses also need to accept their spouse as a unique individual, and recognize that marriage does not entitle them to “remodel” another person.
RIGID THINKING occurs when a partner assumes that his or her way of doing things is the only right way. Individuals grow up in a family culture that they usually assume represents a much larger culture. It is a starting assumption that “my family was normal and average and correct in their way of doing things.” Although most individuals of marriage age have identified some things in their family culture that they want to change, there is typically a great deal more that they unconsciously accept and assume to be the “right way” to handle various areas of life. Disagreements based on rigid thinking can start over surprisingly trivial things–squeezing the toothpaste, wearing shoes in the house, which way the towels are folded or the toilet paper is hung. Emotional disagreements about trivial items are a major red flag in couples communication that signal rigid thinking.
More complex and difficult areas of rigid thinking often involve such areas as parenting, spending priorities, and religious beliefs and practices.
What to do instead: Whenever there is a disagreement about how to handle a situation, spouses need to start with the assumption that their partner’s position has some validity behind it. Both partners need to listen carefully and understand their partner’s way of doing things, and work to find compromises, or else alternate between choosing “his way” and “her way” so that each partner’s preferences and family culture become part of the new marriage and effective couples communication.
CRITICISM is closely related to punishment. Both are based on the idea that an individual has the right to overhaul or remodel their partner. Although it is true that individuals will always have to make some changes to facilitate a marriage partnership, partners should be very respectful about requesting a change, and should focus a great deal more energy and time on noticing and admiring a partner’s strengths and qualities.
What to do instead: Expressing gratitude for any increments of change and improvement is a much more effective way of changing behavior than criticism or punishment. This approach also strengthens the relationship instead of weakening it.
TRIANGULATING involves turning to a third party to try to resolve tensions between spouses. Common forms of triangulating in couples communication involve talking to a relative or family member to get them to influence the spouse in some way; sending messages through the children; punishing the children to demonstrate anger against the spouse; gossiping or broadcasting a spouse’s weakenss to do others, or even complaining to a marriage counselor to get him or her to “fix” the spouse.
What to do instead: Conflicts, frustrations and disagreements between the couple should be resolved by conversations between the couple. Children should be kept entirely out of parent’s conflicts. Unskilled third parties should also be avoided. A skilled third party such as a therapist may be helpful to act as a referee and teach advanced communication skills. However, spouses should talk to each other directly about their concerns, even in a counseling session, rather than communicating their frustrations indirectly by talking to their therapist.
For more details about how to avoid the common mistakes, or replace them with positive patterns, tune in to Healing Talk Radio on Saturday, November 5th at 9 am Mountain Time. To connect, click on the links to the right. This program will replay three times daily at 9 2 am, 9 am and 5 pm daily from November 5 to November 11.